You made me cry and you don't even care
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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