Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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