Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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