how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
