dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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