Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
