my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
