i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
