I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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