an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Two words: blizzard sex
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
