i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
