her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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