capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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