so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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