when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
