New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
