UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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