you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
