Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize