Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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