4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
