well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
