my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
