You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I love having hate sex.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
