pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
