There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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