how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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