You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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