my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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