I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
