Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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