So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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