Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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