It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
