just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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