So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
