Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
