u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
