Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
