i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
