you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
