if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
