I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
