i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
