you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
