Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
