I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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