You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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