this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
