I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
