I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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