my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
