a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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