whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
