He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize