non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
