between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
