I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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