I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My boob is missing a layer of skin
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize