the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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