my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we made out on top of his cat.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
