So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
