Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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