I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize