The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
