Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I AM VODKA MAN
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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