why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
