Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
