Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
