i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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