Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
