I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
