I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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